Backwards Then Fowards
by blue4pup
Summary: On his way to see Churchill, the Doctor meets his painful past on Shan Shen... for better or worse? Spoilers for the beginning of Series 5.


The Doctor never intended to take Amy to Shan Shen. They had been heading to Earth to see Winston Churchill after he called them for help, and yet, here they were. Something was definitely up, but he didn't know what. His skin tingled as every one of his senses stretched outward.

Stepping out of the TARDIS, the familiar, overly decorated marketplace, where he'd taken Donna, greeted him. Of course, last time it seemed sunnier. Looking up into the sky, the Doctor noticed it appeared to be packed with thick, dark gray clouds with only the barest of sunlight breaking through. He guessed it was going to rain soon. Still, that wasn't what interested him. Much to his amusement, there appeared to be a different festival going on than last time. Instead of the red banners and streamers, there were blue ones with flickering torches of blue light accenting them. Also, everyone in sight was dressed up in long dark blue robes. Many of them had their hoods pulled up, perhaps in preparation for the rain.

There was a puff of laughter from Amy. "A bit off again, Doctor. I'm pretty sure this isn't World War II London."

He turned sharply towards her, noticing the teasingly look on her face. He tried to hold the serious expression as he considered how to reply. The Doctor never liked to admit his faults. "No. It's a surprise. For you."

"O-Kay," Amy said slowly with a doubtful expression. "I'm surprised, but shouldn't we be going. I mean Churchill is waiting for us."

He smirked at her. "I have a time machine, remember," he said, leaning in close enough to Amy to cause her smile to falter. He stared her straight in the eyes, looking for any hint that she didn't believe him. When he saw none, he went on, pulling back from her with a grin. "Besides... the ol' British Bulldog can wait for a bit. He expects it!" Turning on his heel, he started away. "Now, enough about old wars, let's look at something new." Spotting a stand he hadn't seen the last time he was here, he took off towards it. "Now, that's new!"

The Doctor decided not to tell Amy about his concerns. There was no reason to worry her yet. If there was trouble, he was sure they'd come across it soon enough. Every other time the TARDIS had brought him some place he hadn't intended, he'd dealt with the trouble, and now with a companion, he was sure there was nothing to be concerned about.

oOo

Sometime later, when he and Amy had been checking out one of the shops, he figured out why the TARDIS had brought him here.

The shop owner, an older woman with deep purple eyes and a hunched over posture, was trying to talk them into buying two of the long, blue robes. She was hawking them to passers-by. As Amy tried one on in a changing room to please the shop owner, the Doctor inquired about the celebration.

"We call it 'The Release'," she told him as she straightened a rack of robes, "an annual event to celebrate the beginning of the season of the clouds. They will finally be releasing their nourishing liquid of life."

"So Shan Shen's rainy season is beginning?" the Doctor asked. Glancing the direction of the changing rooms, he called out to Amy, "Did you hear that Amy? It's spring here!"

"Lovely!" good-naturedly called back Amy. "Remind me to buy an umbrella to go with this thing!"

"A very simple, Earth way of putting it," said the shop owner, interrupting their exchange. She looked displeased with the Doctor's choice of words. "But I suppose it is accurate enough."

Tugging at the material of one of the robes on a nearby rack, the Doctor asked, "So I'm guessing the material must be something special that keeps you dry." He paused, glancing at the shop owner. "Is that what the robes are for, to keep you dry during the celebration?

"More than that, I can assure you, sir," she said.

"Doctor," he corrected with a smile. "Call me the Doctor."

The shop owner raised an eyebrow in his direction, while giving him a once over look. "Doctor?" she said questioningly. "Very well. You see, Doctor, the dyes used to colour them come from the rare Miloz berries that grew thanks to last year's season of the clouds. As this year's season of the clouds approaches, much of the surplus is used to colour the robes to show the clouds how grateful we are for their gift of the liquid of life. Also, the blue represents the hope we have that once the season of the clouds is over, we'll see the sky become blue again."

"Interesting," commented the Doctor, listening as she went on. He noticed a wily glint in the woman's eyes as she removed one of the long, blue robes from the rack.

"It is said the more robes worn, the more nourishing liquid of life we'll receive over the seasonal cycle," she explained with a huge, toothy grin. "That will bring new crops, more green life, and a chance to thrive for another year."

"Yes, I think I get that," he said.

The woman held up the long, blue robe in her hands, while wiggling her thick eyebrows at him and maintaining her grin. "Does that mean, Doctor, that you will buy a robe too?"

His eyes widened. "While I don't want to seem rude or unthankful for the offer, I don't think it's really me."

"Oh, of course it is!" she stated as she moved to put it on him. "Let me show you." The Doctor took a side step out of her reach. She frowned at him. "I'll even give you a bargain for your friend's robe, if you buy yours at a _reasonable_ price."

"While I really do appreciate the offer, long coats or robes aren't me," he replied, before pausing and considering his words. "Well, not this me. Sorry."

She frowned at him, folding her arms. "Bah! Doctors! All of you are the same!"

His brow furrowed at that comment. "What's that suppose to mean?"

She glared at him as she folded the robe up neatly. "You're the second humanoid I've met who goes by that name and he didn't want a robe either, and you'd think he would after licking the one I showed him."

"What!" exclaimed the Doctor as his mouth gapped open. "When?"

The shop owner sniffed dismissively, hugging the folded robe to her. "About an hour or so ago," she told him with a grumpy tone. "He was dressed up in this long brown coat, which I told him wasn't right for the celebration. Brown in a mass of blue. Bah!" Still wearing her deep frown, she turned away from the Doctor, heading back to a rack of robes.

Zipping around her to cut off her departure, the Doctor fixed her with a serious stare. "Was he skinny with wild brown hair and eyes?" He made gestures around his head to emphasize the hairstyle.

The shop owner paused with a thoughtful look before answering. "Yes. That's why I remembered him. He looked in need of clothing advice and a haircut. I mean, pinstripes and tennis shoes. Bah! He must have been mad!"

He ignored her comment. "Was he considerably rude when he spoke, perhaps apologising soon after?" the Doctor pressed for more information, "and used odd phrases, like 'Brilliant!' and 'Allons-y!', and overused the word 'well' a lot?"

The shop owner's brow furrowed deeply as she gave him a critical look. "Yes, now that you mention it, I think he did."

The Doctor pulled back from the woman, letting his gaze drift as his mind spun with this information. Everything fell into place. The TARDIS had brought him here not to save the planet or its people, but to see himself. That was bad. Just like him, the TARDIS knew crossing one's own personal timeline was a very bad idea. There could be dire consequences.

Even to attempt this was putting the old girl, him, Amy, and not to mention, potentially the entire universe at stake. Still, the TARDIS was willing to risk all of them. The Doctor found this shocking, and yet, he thought he knew why. There were things left unsettled from his last life. Usually, the Doctor didn't like to dwell on the losses and regrets of his previous selves. Not saying he forgot, but there was too much ahead of him to spend time on what was behind him. Life, for the new version of him, had to go on.

That's what he'd been trying to do since regenerating. For the most part, he had been successful, even finding a new companion and friend. It was only when he slept he knew the truth. He'd been having disturbing nightmares that always included his previous self. Upon waking up, he never completely remembered what they were about, but their impact was starting to drain him mentally. He'd been making unnecessary mistakes.

His latest slip up had been on the Starship UK. There he'd forgotten the advice he'd given Amy: 'use your eyes, notice everything.' That mistake could have cost the life of a star whale, if it wasn't for Amy. The TARDIS knew this and was giving him a rare, risky opportunity to resolve the nightmares before there were real, dire consequences.

The Doctor decided he was going to take it. He was going to see his previous self, perhaps share a few words. Still, he needed to be discreet, avoiding, if at all possible, revealing his appearance to his previous self. The less the last him new about his future the better. That's when he reconsidered what he said to the shop owner.

"Ma'am?" he called to the shop owner, who turned towards him with her deep frown. "I'm changing my mind. I'd like to take you up on your special offer."

That brought a new huge grin to her old, wrinkled face.

oOo

The Doctor dropped Amy off at a good, local restaurant, telling her that he'd meet her back at the TARDIS in an hour or so. Then, he pulled on the blue robe and head out to search for his previous self. The city was huge and the likelihood of finding his previous self was going to be hard. Still, he was determined to try. After talking to a few people who'd spotted the other him and realising that everyone dressed in a robe was heading in the direction of the high-ridge, which overlooked the vast Dong Ning Sea, he followed.

The blue wave of robes practically covered the side of the hill. High above their heads were blue and gold banners and streamers. Running along the path were more of the blue flickering torches, and every once and awhile, someone in the crowd let off a small firework that shot up into the air and exploded with a flare of bright colours. From a distance, he tried to see if he spotted a long brown coat amongst the blue. He saw none. Weaving through the crowd, the Doctor continued to search but still couldn't see a hint of anyone one wearing anything but blue.

A deep, defeated sigh fell from his lips, until a thought struck him. Gazing up towards the higher point on the ridge that actually looked down upon the cresting sea, he wondered. Without another thought, he made his way through the crowds, and then, started up the steep incline.

Just as he neared the top, he heard a crack of thunder roll across the dark sky. The next second, there was a flash of lightening that accented a familiar, coated silhouette. A shaky breath raked over the Doctor, even before he felt the first rain drop strike his bare hand. There was only a second that he thought about turning around, finding Amy, and returning to the TARDIS. When that second was over, he found himself standing at the top of the hill, only a few feet away from his previous self, the one dressed in brown.

Tugging his hood further forward to completely obscure his face, the Doctor walked forward. He stepped up to the edge on the left side of his previous self but well out of arms' reach, just in case his previous self wasn't happy to see him, which the Doctor expected was the case.

There the Doctor stood for several moments, waiting for acknowledgment of his presence. He kept peering around the edge of his hood, expecting to see his previous self's gaze shift in his direction with a surprised look. Instead, he only got a sharp reply:

"Mad or blind?"

"Sorry?" the Doctor asked, sparing only a quick glance in the direction of his previous self. He really didn't understand the question.

"You should be!" his previous self snapped coldly. There was a long pause, only a flicker of a glance towards the Doctor. "Obviously, you're not one of the first two, you're too tall for either of them and they would never be mad enough to try crossing timelines, at least, not willingly. That would go double for the frilly Dandy."

There was another pause and the Doctor could see his previous self turn in his direction. A severe glare burned from his brown eyes. "And you obviously can't be Curls and Teeth, the arrogant rainbow-bright wannabe, the supposedly great time's champion, or either of the ones after him. I can tell that from your voice alone, and if you were the too naive cricket-lover you wouldn't need to obscure yourself. That only leaves..."

"The next," the Doctor finished for him with a blank tone.

His previous self's response was a quick, dismissive snort. A deep frown formed on his face, before snapping his gaze away from the Doctor. Once more, his previous self looked out over the sea with a hard, unforgiving glare.

"Look, I didn't come here to argue," the Doctor told his previous self only after a brief moment of hesitance.

There was no response.

"I know you're in a less than agreeable mood right now," the Doctor told him, before smiling more out of nervousness than amusement. "I know you've been through a rough patch lately."

Another sharp snort told the Doctor that his previous self probably thought he was understating it more than a bit.

"I came here for a reason," the Doctor told him, strengthening his voice with what confidence he could muster. "There's something I need you to do... for me. Well, for both of us really. I'm sure all of us would really appreciate it."

"What?" his previous self asked dryly with no warmth to his tone.

"Forgive me," said the Doctor, keeping his gaze focused out over the raging sea. He thought of correcting his pronoun but decided against making his request anymore complicated or difficult than necessary.

He could hear the ragged breaths of his previous self, but the Doctor remained quiet. Seconds ticked by and more rain soaked them. He could hear his previous self swallow a choking lump. Then, in a tight voice, the Doctor got a reply:

"No!"

Almost as if to echo the weight of that word, another loud rumble of thunder rolled through the air. A second later, a few blinding flashes of lightening streaked across the sky. The Doctor swore all colour from the cliff edge and roaring sea drained away, except for the vibrant brown of the soaked overcoat flapping wildly in the wind.

The Doctor felt a cold shudder rake over his body, but it was not due to the icy raindrops that the sea breeze blew into his face. He squeezed his eyes shut as he felt an old ache form in his hearts, threatening to bring him to his knees. Gripping the ends of the robe together and dipping his head, he forced his lanky legs to lock still. He bit his tongue and fought off the tears building his eyes. He had been expecting that answer, while at the same time, hoping that it wasn't as bad as that between them.

It never had been before. Even for the clown and the one with the rainbow coloured coat, the blood between versions of himself had never been so bad. Both of those two had been denied their full chance, and he still felt their sorrow and regrets to this day. Yet, their feelings seemed to pale in comparison to the choking emotions radiating from his previous self.

Swallowing the pain bubbling to the surface, the Doctor tried to nod as he struggled to find his voice. "I... I..." he stammered, stopping when he realised his words were pointless even if he could speak straight. He was ready to leave his previous self to his raging anger, and drenching despair and self-loathing.

Then, the Doctor heard a new, slightly calmer shuddering breath coming from his previous self. Daring to glance around the edge of his hood, he spied the raised and set chin of his previous self. There was a new look on his face. It looked mostly like a dazed grimace, but the Doctor swore he saw the tiniest hint of a smile. Not even the windswept raindrops coating his previous self's face could hide the wistful, happy look.

"Not now," his previous self said in a husky but more composed voice, "but I will... some day." A rushed breath blew out past his lips. "I know you want something more, but I can't... Not now."

Another shudder raked over the Doctor's body as he just stared at his previous self, feeling stunned. He hadn't been expecting that. Opening his mouth, he tried to force himself to speak, but his voice failed him again. Instead, when he saw his previous self turn to look at him, he nodded once. That was all he could manage at the moment, and his previous self seemed to know that, returning his attention back out over the sea.

For several long, breath-filled moments, they just stood side by side on the ridge, looking out over the stormy sea, feeling the chill of the rain. While one of them was still not ready to let go and forgive, the other felt like it was about time he moved on for the sake of himself and all those that came before.

The Doctor drew in a deep breath and turned away from the stormy sea.

oOo

The Doctor hadn't expected to find his future self. He had only come to Shan Shen to escape his 'supposedly' impending death. Of course, now that he met his future self, it appeared that he would be regenerating, not dying. Still, to him, that was as bad as death, because he wasn't ready. Compared to many of those who had come before him, he had barely lived. It wasn't fair!

Recalling his future self standing beside him, the Doctor realised it seemed he had little choice. Something was returning. It was same something that would lead to his regeneration. He'd hoped that here, on Shan Shen, one of the last worlds he and Donna had visited and where he'd felt really happy and carefree, he could find solace. Instead, he'd found the next Doctor.

There had been a temptation to yell and rant at his future self. In fact, that temptation still simmered just below the surface. His initial cold, rude words had showed him that. He had thousands of words to say and even more questions that he knew his future self would never answer. He didn't blame him for the latter. If it had been his previous self, the one in the leather jacket, coming to see him, he wouldn't have told him either. That was both out of a desire to protect his personal timeline and out of respect for the one that came before. It was better not to know too much of one's own future. He was a great example of that, considering how badly his life had gone since learning his own death was soon to come.

The Doctor decided those must be the same reasons for his future self. That's why the Doctor had been honest with the one in the blue robe, telling his future self, perhaps a bit rudely, how he felt. It was all the kindness the Doctor could manage towards his future self at the moment. At the same time, he had to respect the future him. It took a great amount of courage to come and face one that came before, even if it was mad to risk the time itself just to chat.

Then again, perhaps there was more to it than that. Curiosity tinged with fear tickled the Doctor's brain. He wondered whether their meeting was an accident or on purpose. It wouldn't have been the first time different versions of him had crossed paths. When the universe was at stake, sometimes the Doctor found that mad things needed to be done. A frightening thought now struck at the fore front of his mind, coinciding with a particularly blinding flash of lightening. He realised the reason for the meeting might be connected to his impending regeneration.

Swallowing another large lump in his throat, he collected his thoughts and strengthened his voice. "Doctor," he said questioningly, slowly turning to face his future self's robed form. "Why are…?" The words died on his tongue. His future self was no where to be seen.

Spinning around on the spot, he turned this way and that. He searched for the cloaked form of his future self but couldn't find it. Heading away from the ridge and towards the incline that led down towards the city, he finally spotted a blue robed form, and then, he spotted another and another. Soon, he noticed there was a mass of blue robed forms moving about. If his future self was down there, the Doctor couldn't tell.

A silent, deflated sigh fell from the Doctor's lips. "Allons-y," he said softly to himself.

oOo

The Doctor hadn't taken his robes off during the entire walk back to the TARDIS. It wasn't so much because he feared his previous self might spot him but more that he hadn't thought about removing the robe. The Doctor's mind was too busy, still taking in all that been exchanged in the short meeting with his previous self. While he knew the pain and sorrow of that life would never truly fade away, at least now he knew there was no lasting grudge. It was only a matter of time, which the Doctor knew he had plenty of.

"You're late!" exclaimed Amy, interrupting his thoughts. His gaze flickered in her direction. She was leaning against the doors of the TARDIS with a deep frown on her face and her arms crossed over her chest. "You said an hour."

He pulled down his hood. "Or so," he corrected her with a knowing smirk.

Amy glared at him. There was a promise behind that pointed stare, perhaps a threat to mix apples and baked beans into his next meal.

"Come on!" he stated happily, pulling out his key. "We don't want to keep the 'ol British Bulldog waiting now, Miss Pond."

Amy smirked, watching as he opened the door. "Says the man with the time machine," she said sarcastically, following him inside.

The Doctor couldn't help but chuckle.


End file.
